Change?

Since coming back to the UK last year a lot has changed… But what is it?

I worked as a Mortgage Advisor for Lloyds bank for 4 years and my whole department got made redundant so I had to find a completely new place to work.  Lots of my close friends were friends because I worked with them initially but now I don’t work them we’ve drifted apart to the point where now we’re barely even talking. I’m closer to my parents than ever yet I spend less time talking to them now than when I was living in Australia.

So what really changed?

I left Lloyds to go to Australia because I was bored of what my life had become there and wanted a new adventure/chapter of my life so it was really a blessing in disguise that I left when I did. I got experience being a backpacker on the other side of the world something not everyone gets to do in their lifetime and if I chance I’d do it again in a heartbeat. When I returned from Australia I started working for an estate agents with directors who didn’t care about anything apart from money and themselves. I wasn’t happy and wished my old job was still there so I left knowing I had no job to go to and had to start the job hunting process again. Why was I unhappy with this new change of work in the first place?

The people I was so close to before, I’ve come to realise it’s not because we no longer work together as to why we’re not that close anymore it’s because of who I was when I returned. I didn’t make much effort with them, I was in a really bad place mentally always snapping for no reason and horrific mood swings. People didn’t want to be around me whereas before they didn’t have a choice. I was obsessed with having friends around me when certain friends would let me down I’d take my anger and upset out on my friends who stuck by me which naturally resulted in those friends not wanting me around. I’ve never dealt with bad situations very well, I don’t like to talk to people about my problems because I feel like I’m burdening them or that my problem isn’t big enough for them. I constantly overthink things and think the worst of anything, why?

Then when it comes to my parents, well I do almost do the same thing. They only ever do things for me, to keep me happy to make sure I have everything I need in life yet I treat them like they’re not important. Like I don’t appreciate what they do and have done for me. They bend over backwards to make me happy and it’s taken nearly 25yrs to realise it, why?

I suppose what I’m getting at is, what needs to change?

Me.

So what do I plan to do about it?

Well to start with when I comes to working I need to be happy in my job that can’t change but maybe I need to make the best out of a bad situation instead of running away. I’ve always been a determined person to be the best at any job I do no matter how hard it gets. I need to remember that one bad day doesn’t make a bad life (back to the overthinking thing) and I need to tell people when I’m struggling or having a bad time so they can maybe help.

Friends. To enjoy life friends play a huge part of it through the good, the bad and the ugly times. I need to take control of my emotions and be more open with people, if there is something wrong just tell them so they can understand what is going on. Keeping things bottled up doesn’t help anyone. Take a step back and look at the whole picture, the bigger picture. Why do I have down days? Why do I get in bad moods? When I look back at a lot of the times I’ve been a class A b***h to people there has been absolutely no reason! I get angry and irritable easily, the smallest most insignificant things can rile me, that needs to change and it needs to change now. I’ve already lost a few very good, close friends over this and something needs to be done. I’ve bought a self help book on controlling anger and irritability so fingers crossed that gives me some insight.

Then my parents, the people who have cared for me since I was born. Loved me no matter what. Through all the stupid things I’ve done they still care about me. I take them for granted, which until I just wrote those words, I hadn’t realised. My actions and words upset them so much sometimes and no matter how many times they tell me it just doesn’t click that I’m being so hurtful. I’ve spent so much time on my own and I think I’ve go used to be so independent that now I hate being around people all the time that includes my parents. Even if they’re at work all day and I only see them in the evenings I still don’t want to spend time with them. Well I didn’t until now. I spend all my time at home in my bedroom only going downstairs when I need food or to check the post. How sad is that! As a baby step I’m going to start forcing myself to sit downstairs with my parents when they are home until 8pm. Sitting in my bedroom on my own has become part of my life, not sitting there (well here because that’s where I am right now) has become so alien and out of my comfort zone.

Change? As long as it’s for the better it doesn’t really matter what it is, if it makes you happy then surely it’s the right thing to do?

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